my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
