i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
