does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
