If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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