also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
