i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
