Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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