I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sorry about my life...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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