Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize