I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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