so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
