I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
