Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
