He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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