dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My cat gives me a boner
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
