please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
