i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
