closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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