Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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