I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
