There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
