his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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