You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
