just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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