there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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