Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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