Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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