I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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