the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We left an ass print on the piano.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
