Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
