I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
