all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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