This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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