Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
