She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
