i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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