I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize