I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
