don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
