The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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