If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
