I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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