3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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