I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
