P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
