Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
