Michael Bay diarrhea
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
