i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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