HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
