I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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