I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize