there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can you bring me the toilet please
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
