omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Boobs speak an international language.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
