i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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