After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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