I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
