i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
