Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
