If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
