True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
