We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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