Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
