just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
