This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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